Sugar Baby Love
by Vanille Safetypin
Summary: Like flour babies but with sugar... Mmm...


**Woo, second upload! Actually I wrote this ages ago, way back at Eastertime... well anyway, I hope you think it's funny, please gimme some reviews, and grammar/spelling/accuracy correction would be good too! **

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"What do you think of the assignment?" Anzu asked brightly.

"It's okay…" Yugi replied. He only wished that Anzu hadn't decided to latch herself to him. They didn't need partners to get a passing grade. In fact, the teacher had said that it was probably better to complete it alone, because of the high percentage of single parent families around nowadays.

Yep, the class had been landed with the dreaded flour baby assignment. Only, due to budget cuts, they had to use Caster Sugar instead. Which was infuriatingly tempting to eat. But that wouldn't become a responsible parent at all.

Nobody in class was exactly jumping for joy over becoming the parent of a bag of Caster Sugar, but they did want to pass, so they faked a few smiles. Girls kept asking Malik to be their life partner, jokingly, but you could tell they really meant it, which, far from flattering him, actually worried him a little.

"Look at this," he said to Ryou. "Just _look _at it. We're expected to love this, give up our very lives for it should the opportunity arise. _It's a bag of sugar_."

Ryou laughed. "Come on, it's kind of cute. I think I'll call it…"

"Don't even start, Ryou, I mean it." Malik shuddered. "You know I'll have to carry this around with me everywhere? I can't leave the house for a fortnight now." He poked the bag of sugar. "What's the point?"

"Apparently it's meant to teach us about the values of good parenting or something," Ryou said.

"Okay. I'm never having kids," Malik said firmly.

A group of girls at the next table said "Awwww!" very loudly.

Ryou got home to find Bakura on the sofa watching a cookery programme.

"I didn't think that was your thing," he commented.

"It's not," Bakura said, "but it's like the only thing on. How many channels do we have? Over a hundred, right? And out of all of them, at prime time, the best thing on is this." He pointed angrily at the screen. "I don't even _like _carrots."

"You don't have to watch TV all the time, you know. You could read, or do a jigsaw or something."

"Don't be stupid. Reading. Pah. What good has that ever done anyone?"

Ryou sighed and walked into the kitchen. Bakura flung down the remote in annoyance and went in after him. "What is that?" he asked, pointing at the bag of sugar.

"It's my baby," Ryou said.

"Your _what_? Holy hell Ryou, I knew you were weird but I didn't think you were into getting off with bags of sugar!" Bakura said loudly.

"I didn't mean it like that… but you should have seen your face." Ryou let out a snort of laughter. "What I meant is that we have to kind of take care of this for a fortnight. It's to help us get good parenting experience. And you get marked on it and depending on how well you've taken care of it, you get a grade. And since I don't want to fail, I'd better be a good parent."

"People nowadays are weird," Bakura said. "How can you take care of it? It doesn't do anything." He looked at the bag suspiciously. "It doesn't even have a face."

"Well then, I guess that's something for you to do. You can draw a little face on it for me. And then you won't be bored anymore, will you?"

"I guess not… though you have to admit times are hard when I have to start drawing faces on bags of confectionary for fun…" Bakura muttered. He took some markers from a cupboard in the living room and tipped them haphazardly on the carpet. Ryou winced as the lid of the red marker came off, leaving an interesting trail of dots on the cream carpet.

Ten minutes later, Bakura proudly thumped the bag down on the table. "Look, he's got your eyes," he told Ryou.

"Lucky him…" Ryou said. The bag had two small black circles for eyes, a pink snub nose and a bright blue smile. He was going to ask who the rest of the features belonged to but thought better of it.

"What they should have done," Bakura said, "is give you all a Furby. Furbies are the _thing _now, you know? Everyone has one, but nobody actually wants one. It's just something you have. Secretly everyone hates their Furby, because it sings stupid songs in the middle of the night and bites your finger."

"You don't have one," Ryou said.

"Right… of course I don't…"

"Because after all, where would you have gotten the money?"  
"I don't know. I sure didn't tap into your college fund, you can rest assured of _that_."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Gosh, your sugar baby is cute, isn't it? Let's give it a name! A Furby name! Oh wait. No Furbies here."

"What _are_ you smoking?" Ryou asked. Bakura smiled innocently at him.

For the next half hour or so (who really knows, time began to lose meaning), they compiled a list of names for the sugar baby. Well, what actually happened is that Bakura had a competition with himself to find the stupidest names ever. And I believe he won.

"Look, why in the name of God would we call it Tammy-Levi-Diesel-Shanell-Taylor-Leigh-Shaniece?" Ryou asked exasperatedly.

"Because that is a beautiful and elegant name. Don't you think?"  
"No. No I do not. Can we get serious about this? Can't you think up one nice name? Just one?"

After approximately six minutes of deep thought with many "hmmms" and "errrs", Bakura said, "Flo?"

"Flo? Actually, that's not half bad. Full name Florence. Yes. Okay. Thanks," Ryou said.

"You're welcome… but I still think that Tammy-Levi and so on was nicer," Bakura said, pouting.

"Trust me, it wasn't."

"Hi guys!"

From that unnecessarily bright, cheerful and exclamation-mark filled greeting, you can guess that Anzu had just arrived. She was carrying a pink folder with the words "Mi Babez Sakura" written on it.

"What's in your folder, Anzu?" Yuugi asked. Yuugi's problem is that he is too friendly. And he never learned that asking Anzu even the simplest of questions could lead to an hour long conversation, by the end of which you'd have flung yourself off the nearest tall monument in desperation.

Anzu set the folder down on her desk, opened it, and began taking pages out. "It's all about my sugar baby," she beamed. "I called her Sakura. Isn't that just _adorable_? Anyway, I did a lot of sketches of her in different outfits…" She slid the pages over to Yuugi and the others. They basically consisted of a bag of sugar dressed up in all the outfits Anzu owned.

"I'll be having nightmares tonight," Jounouchi said gloomily.

Seeming not to hear, Anzu continued, "And I did out a profile type thing too. Look, I know her favourite foods and stuff."

"Favourite foods?" Honda said in disbelief. "She - _it _- doesn't have any. It _is _food!"

"Don't be silly, Honda!" Anzu said, as if he was suggesting something entirely retarded. "She has to have favourite foods, babies always do. I only wish that we had to have partners for the project…" She sighed and looked at Yuugi, who edged away slightly.

"I didn't even name mine, come to think of it," he said.

"I called mine Roxette," Jounouchi said. "I don't know why though."

"I called mine Emanuel," Tristan said. "I don't know why either."

"My sister made me call mine Akira," Malik said. "I think I might know why." He rolled his eyes.

"I called mine Flo," Ryou said, just to complete the circle.

"Flo?" Jounouchi asked. "I have an Aunt Flo. That's pretty weird, Ryou."

"It was all Bakura's fault," Ryou said bitterly. "It was either Flo, Tammy-Levi whatever or May-May Kah."

"May-May Kah?"

"It's 'love me' in Furbish, apparently," Ryou said.

"Furbish?"

"I'd prefer to forget that whole afternoon, really…"

Malik and Ryou walked home together, since their houses lay in the same general direction. Malik still thought the whole assignment was incredibly dumb.  
"This whole assignment is incredibly dumb," he said. "They should have given us, oh, I don't know… a dog. Or a cat. Or even a goddamned hamster. Not a bag of sugar! I mean, the other night Mariku tried to eat it. And I mean the bag as well as the sugar."

"How do you know he wouldn't have tried to eat the dog?" Ryou asked.

"Well he might have," Malik said thoughtfully, "but it would have been much harder to do, so he'd have given up and the problem would have been solved. Why does your bag have a face, anyway?"

"Kura got bored. So I thought he might as well do that. I don't think Da Vinci will be losing much sleep or anything, but it's kind of cute…"

"Cute. Yeah. Or cuh-reepy."

They walked in relative silence for a minute or so.

"OH CRAP!"

"What?"

"It's leaking!" Malik cried. "Oh what a world!"

Ryou looked back and sure enough, there was a trail of sugar along the sidewalk. Malik was digging in his schoolbag for glue or tape or something that could save the sugar, but to no avail. He threw the half empty bag down on the sidewalk. Ryou picked it up and put it in a bin.

"Do you think letting your child's innards leak out counts as bad parenting?" Malik asked.

"Er, yeah, I think so."

"Damn…"

"I am not taking him, Isis!"

"Please. He hasn't been out of the house all day."

"The world's been lucky today, then."

"Just take him, okay? I've had to look after him, and he invited those homeless guys round again. I'm on first-name terms with the cops now," Isis sighed.

"But I'm going to Walmart! Walmart is filled with people who would prefer not to bump into a psycho when they're doing their vegetable shopping."

"Please." Isis' voice was getting high, and she looked worryingly close to hysterics.

"Okay, okay. But if I don't make it back, I hope you can live with the guilt!" Malik said dramatically. He grabbed Mariku's arm and stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

"Where are we going?" Mariku asked as they walked along the street.

"Walmart," Malik answered. "I need some new sugar."

"What happened to your old sugar?"

"It, er, died."

"Whyyyyy?" Mariku's eyes got shiny with tears.

"Because. Everything dies sometime, you know. Even you." He pointed at the Yami ominously. "But I bet it would have lived longer if you hadn't tried to eat it."

"I'm sorry sugar," Mariku squeaked.

"I'm sure it's happy to hear that."

Walmart looked comfortingly bright, what with the florescent lights and all. But you know something about those lights? If you spend a long time near them, you start to go blind. Bet you didn't know _that._

Anyway, Malik walked up and down all the aisles, not bothering to look at the helpful signs which would have pointed him in the right direction. Nobody ever looks at the signs anyway. Finally he found the aisle with biscuits, sugar and coffee. Also known as sleep-deprived junkie's delight aisle, but we'll not go into that. There were about seven different types of sugar on the shelves. Obviously, picking the wrong brand would make it obvious to the teacher that he'd somehow managed to lose his original baby. He needed to check with someone, so he pulled out a cellphone.

"I didn't know you had one of those," Mariku said, eating biscuits at the same time.

"I took it from Isis. Borrowed, sorry. And don't eat those. It's stealing." He keyed in Ryou's number.

_Bring-Bring…_

"Hello?"

"Ryou?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Well, could you… get Ryou for me?"

"Who are you? A Ryou stalker?"

"A what?"

"You heard, you stalker. Hey, Ryou, let go of the phone! I'm talking to your stalker!"

Malik sighed as he heard random crashes in the background.

"Hello?"

"Ryou?"

"Yeah…"

"Thank God. Right, could you tell me what brand of sugar to get? You know how my baby like, died today and all…"

"Oh, okay. It's… Uncle Hickeyberry's Homegrown Caster. That's a name among names, wouldn't you say?"

"I would…" Malik picked the bag of sugar from the shelf. "Okay. I'd better hang up. Because this isn't actually my phone and also my Yami has eaten every single biscuit in this aisle. So yeah. I'd better go."

He ended the call and hurried Mariku from the aisle. Mariku had also started on the coffee granules whilst Malik had been on the phone. Just great. He was humming and jumping every few steps.

Malik paid for the sugar using the age old trick known as "Stealing Kaiba's Credit Card And Saying It's Yours". He could have afforded to pay for it himself. But there was so much more satisfaction in running up really small bills that would really get on Kaiba's nerves as he tried to figure out when he had bought a packet of sugar. Or a rubber duckie. Or whatever.

When they got home Mariku screeched, "Makeover time with Barbie Sister Isis!" and the usual heck broke loose.

In class the day before they would be getting their grades, the teacher asked them to come up and tell the class something interesting about their baby. So maybe Anzu's idea hadn't been so stupid after all. Her presentation lasted for about fifteen minutes, as she talked them through every single picture she had drawn and explained Sakura's characteristics at length.

Malik said, "Akira here has been through much trauma, but I think he's come thorough okay."

Yuugi said, "My baby, who I have decided to call… er…" He looked around desperately for inspiration. "I've decided to call Chair…"

"Chair?" the teacher repeated.

"No no. It's pronounced Shay. Isn't that, er, pretty…?"

"Quite."

"Well, anyway, Shay is incredibly shy and she likes pencils." Yuugi sat down quickly.

Jounouchi said, "Roxette likes my sneakers, you know."

Honda said, "Emanuel likes my sneakers too. And my hair."

Ryou said, "Flo appears to be the only baby in the class with a face. I think that's interesting."

"Interesting… or cuh-reepy," Malik called from the back.

"Well," the teacher said, clearly considering new career options, "I see you have all tried hard. Well, you've tried, anyway. Write your name on the back of your sugar baby, I'll collect them in, and God willing, you'll get your grades tomorrow."

"I don't like this movie."

"I know, you've said that a lot during it."

"Yeah, but I really don't like this movie."

"So don't watch it."

"Last time I tried to leave, you said you'd hit me with the Encylopaedia Britannica."

"Did I?" Bakura snickered. "I forgot that."

"Aren't you special."

"What is it with you and horror movies anyway?"

"I'm not afraid of horror movies!" Ryou shouted.

"Did I say you were?"

"Yes. Well, you were _thinking _it."

Bakura blinked. "What the hell are _you _smoking?"

"I'm not smoking anything…"

"Hey, what about Flo?"  
That was a pretty quick subject switch, wasn't it?

"Flo? My teacher took her. I'll get my final grade tomorrow."

"Do you think we'll get her back?"

"What do you want her back for?"

"Because I put the Furby in the bathtub and I need a replacement."

"You did _what_?"

"I was going to teach it to swim." Bakura shrugged.

"It doesn't even have any arms."

"Are you mocking me?"

The final grades were printed on some pretty snazzy paper. Nobody would admit it, but the reason they couldn't afford the traditional flour babies was probably because they blew the budget on the grade papers.

Mostly everyone got an A, and it lead them to believe that the teacher probably had barely even looked at the sugar babies. After all, drinking sake and watching soaps takes up a lot of time.

"You all pass!" she beamed. She definitely drinks a lot of sake. How else could she be so happy teaching a bunch of misfits like our beloveds here? She then gave back all the sugar babies. Malik glared at his before stabbing it with a compass and eating the sugar inside. Anzu decked hers out in a little pink outfit she had made herself, which was pretty disturbing.

Ryou handed Flo to Bakura when he got home. Bakura hugged it and said "Kah May-May U-nye!"

That's cute, Ryou thought. Then he thought, cute… or cuh-reepy?

_End_

_Dah Doo-ay, Boo?  
Doo-moh… _

_O-kay, Toh-dye. _

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**Please excuse me, not entirely sure what I was on xD Sugar, perhaps? Ummm yeah, all my friends liked it. Which means you guys will hate it.**

**By the way, don't ask about the Furbish. I _think _the bit at the end says "Fun, no? Feed me... Okay, sleeptime" but I can't be entirely sure. x3 Oh well.**

**Love you all. x Van**


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